Life - the good, the bad and the ugly.

MENTAL  HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and  thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the  following options menu:

If you are  obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are  co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you  have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are  paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can  trace your call.

If you are  delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother  Ship.

If you are  schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number  to press.

If you are  manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make  you happy anyway.

If you are  dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are  bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the  beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you  have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss,  press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you  have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with  you.

If you are  menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You  won’t be crazy forever.

If you are  blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.

You can do your part by  remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you  care.

Well, my job is done . . . . . Your  turn.

Nice day ahead!

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